Summer of Discontent

the black waves just keep on crashing. my little nephew died. the blackness of death never really lifts, especially when its one so unfair. babies die all the time, as do children, as do adults. and there's fuck all we can do about it.

the horrible painful thing about family, is sometimes all you can be is an onlooker. a towel for the tears to fall on, and thats what i've been doing for the past month, and now i'm just too tired. where do my tears go? why don't i have any tears?
where's my towel?
i've been taking numerous collapsing family members to the hospital, and now all the fainting seems a little bit silly, but i'd like to black out just for once, and sleep knowing i'll wake up blissful. its not happening soon is it?


i was supposed to visit syria as well, but my visa got rejected for some reason. basically nothing went right, one blow followed another, and now i'm walking around not knowing my head from my toes. iraq should be more united, but theres nothing new to tell you, its as divided as ever, and the long time its taking for people to realise unity and equality, is annoying me slightly.


i feel in need of a smile, yet everywhere i turn, its plastered on, strained at best. i'm beginning university soon, but it wont be in iraq or the uk. i chose jordan. i'm not sure why, but its close to my family and still has a western feel to it. i'll be doing law and i think it starts in october. i should really check..

update

i dont like the clubs here. at all there not even fun, but more reduce you to cringing, though all the other guys seem to enjoy it. i suppose i've been raised to different values.

i seem to have a lack of life these days, i spend the whole day in probably 2 different rooms- the bedroon and the bathroom.
as you can see, i'm not having lots of fun. even though there's cinemas and fairgrounds here, its lacking something. its all modern on the good side-by that i mean the places are clean, and there's no queues everywhere.

its been very family orientated this visit, mainly solving and creating problems. don't you just love iraqi families. they're so large, you lose yourself. everyday brings a new problem, or new happiness in a occasion. i never realised the value of this. it annoyed me at first, but now i just regret my childhood was spent as my days are now. its a strong support structure i suppose.

its colder here than baghdad. less sand, and more things to do, yet some how i do less here than i did there.

and i seem to be hooked on cigarettes. its worrying slightly, but i actually almost enjoy smoking now. i'm not addicted yet, i suppose you can call me a social smoker ;)
and why are the soldiers (peshmerga?) always angry looking?

the mob.

Moving North for a while, to sort out family stuff, reunite with direct family, etc etc.
Quality of life is generally better northern as well, but the main reason is to sort out family stuff (rich arab guy proposed to my sister, she said yes, dad said no arab full stop).

so that needs sorting, and my nephew needs to see his father, who is leaving to work abroad for a while.

i feel so depressed, mainly cos family=arguments, and frankly i just wanna have fun rather than wonder aimlessly.

neways, expect many more posts when i reach erbil or wherever.

Bitch Fit

I'm so goddamn bored.

I've been to some good restaurants here and there, one of which was called krispys or something.
I talk arabic to everyone now, because i am tired of mentally correcting everyones english when they talk to me, and what else.....?

The heat is going to get unbearable, and i'm trying to prepare myself for that so-hot-you-feel-you-just-pissed-yourself heat.

Oh, theres a lack of subtelty in iraqis that is endearing and hilarious. the other day a guy was trying to find information about someone or something, and instead of a general conversation leading to the topic, the poor guy just blurted everything out, while i nodded my head slowly pretending i was concerned (i was a bit, i just tend to switch off after a few minutes and revert to making crude jokes, or insulting people).

I'm kind of getting a bit creeped out by the large amount of chat requests i get on my messenger account. I realised a bit too late that here chat replaces normal conversations. Girls would spill their hearts and troubles over chat, but not open their mouths in real life. Guys would go prowling for girlfriends, and be suave, whereas spit at passersby in real life.
I kind of understand why the older generation keep moaning about a decrease in social etiquette now.

Oh, and my sister is embarrassing me to new heights, (the younger one), she acts as the perfect daughter in front of guests then spills poison and complains to me. Once annoyed because she was interrupting my movie watching, i shouted at her to stop being so perfect, and now the whole family thinks i'm trying to get her rebellious. Ouch.

And my nephew (yeah i'm an uncle), said his first words a few days ago. I have to say it here, because no one could stop laughing, (although a few got annoyed) that his first words was T's name.

hahaha, we've realised that its probably because he's heard her name screamed so many times. ;)

haaat.

females and their nagging eh. it never stops.
therefore here i am blogging.
kurdistan has amazing nature. i mean really amazing.
but the atmosphere is so awkwardly bad, i didnt really enjoy any other aspect than the nature. the tension is laughable considering we are all iraqis, as is the border control.kurds, iraqis with foreign passports, rich arabs and politicians get through, and people who need a safe place are basically rejected.

theres cinemas, fancy restaurants, cool clothes shops, but unlike baghdad, it does lacks that unique atmosphere- and i'm half kurdish and saying this. it doesnt have that majestic age thing going, that baghdad does.

now back to baghdad, and my stay in iraq in general.
Fuck its annoying. the novelty has mentally worn out. i wake up with sand in my mouth, and even if i cover myself with a sheet, i still end up being covered in a sticky substance- a mixture of sand thats stuck to my sweat. try washing it off- almost impossible- it only happens again every night. i see why the guys here wear so much afetrshave now.

no lecture about history or beauty is going to make me want to change my mind. by all accounts, it is right here is home- its something different to have your family, and the ones you love close. and the calligraphic buildings , but the situation is just too much to bear.
for a while, you laugh at it-the bombs, the harrassment by police, the gunfire, the lack of water, but after a while, you wake up- touta is abroad doing exams now, and as she called her bro the other day, she confessed that she had not woken up in iraq.
you kind of start to form and invisbile blanket shutting out the world, and some manage to find their way out of the blanket quicker than others i suppose.

my sleeping patterns really couldnt get anymore messed up. i have no idea what happend, but now sleeping at 4am couldnt be any more normal. the quietest time of day is at 12-1pm. nothing is alive, and i randomly walk outside in the silence.
and i've become a social smoker.
oh, the other day was graduation ceremonies in the universities. it was so damned interesting, that i considered going to university here, just to take part in the graduation ceremony-they dress up in themes in groups, and the guys jump around to some beating music.

2am insomnia

I sang 'Lonely' by akon in front of a group of strangers.
Ah this is the life.
Aunties visited, and i think i scared quite a lot of them, but never mind.
Off to passively smoke in the living room before collapsing on a bed from the combined effects of heat and excessive food.

I actually feel in place here, it has a very different atmosphere,one which at first i thought i would never fit into, or like, but i was wrong.
iraq is incredibly cultural, and to my modern types, i spent the entire flight dreading what i would have to do. Nothing, i just have fun, and drown in the age and beauty of it all.
And noow i sound like a girl, well tough, i do mean it, and i'm actually having f-u-n.

you know when you just cant stop thinking bout something, and it feels like your head can't concentrate on anything else. its annoying to say the least, and no amount of shouting 'aahs' in the garden takes your mind off it, but only achieves making your relatives even more concerned for your mental health.

it is a topic which i thought i would never address, but i swear the environment in iraq causes stuff like this to happen.

too late to do anything about it though anyway.

:(

dark

i feel like vomiting with rage and anger.
This is what iraq does to you. i love every damn second, but at the same time you see so many things that eventually will drive you out of your head with annoyance. todays topic being the indecisiveness of us as a population/generation. or should i say my indecisiveness, instead of 'us'.

For the past few days i could have not got any more bored, but life suddenly smashed back from its journey and brought shouting laughter and late nights. now i'm just too damn tired.

my eyes feel like lead from excess tv or pc games or playstation, and now i am actually looking forward to talking and chatting with family and friends, whereas before my main aim was fun. all i can tell you is i've been around here and there, and i didnt find it nice. family and friends are more fun, and most important, because they make 'hell into heaven'. although at the same time their constant comments drive me up the wall, embarrass me and reduce me to tears, but we all face the same thing?

there's clubs, and someone kindly described them for me, although at first i was sure it was a lie,since said person had neevr left the comfort of their home-said person played it safe. there's the family cafe, where families laugh and have fun. there's the depressed guys club, where they all scowl and argue with each other, there's the dancing clubs where guys drool over girls who clearly had no choice, there's the smoke cafe, where they are all high on hookah, and theres the normal cafe full of guys eating swapping jokes and spilling their guts over girls.

i was lucky enough to see every type at least twice, and i have to admit, i have more of a life here in a week than i did over there in a year, but i suspect its maybe to do with the climate.

i feel dizzy, and nauseous, and the problem lies in the fact that i know exactly the cause.
when did life become so shittingly problematic? i want back to the childhood where it was simpler, brighter and generally i did not think or ponder.

here's to confusion, nostalgia and crazy.

dead.

i feel un-euphoric.
i'm at friends house on the pc while he's answering about a million phone calls from family members.
There's been multiple explosions and the victims were people. Real living smiling crying people. I'm speechless. I just have no idea what to say or do.

street wise

holy shizzle i just saw a kurdish shop keeper in Baghdad.

We had a nice conversation, and for once everyone around me was the one asking me for translation. Not to seem smug or anything.
He seemed pissed off at kurdish nationilists, and although i'll be the first to admit that kurds are nationalist, i myself lie in the group that is clearly marked 'does not give a flying fuck'.

And so i am mhmd. Doesn't really make any difference to me, as iraq is iraq, but to everyone else, the difference is large.

well, actually the difference is large between lifestyles. Kurdish girls are completely different to iraqi arab girls, and kurdish and iraqi guys think in exactly the same way, but act differently.
kurdish guys flirt, wink and generally hit on every girl, whereas the other iraqi guys tend to be a lot more picky, and always use the whole moody approach to picking girls up.

Now, onto the girls.Most kurdish girls want to be spoiled, and as a rule are generally bad with kids. Iraqi arab girls are generally broody to a point, where it scares many guys away.
So mhmd, which ones are better to date/marry? Well, kurdish girls are best to date, unless they have psycho male relatives (suprisingly common), and iraqi arab girls are best to marry as they're far too traditional and/or have too low self esteem to date anyone other than the guy thats engaged to them, or will marry them.
Luckily for me, i have a choice of both, but right now i'm leaning more towards the arab girls- a kurdish girl once hailed down a torrent of snide remarks because i didint get her a bunch of flowers (i never have even seen her before!), and in the uk, the kurdish girls i met were ultra obsessed with looks and make up, that i really could never compete with their mirrors.

iraqi girls are generally okay until you meet one of those honey wouldnt melt types, whose way of speaking reminds me of a ten year old. Unfortunatly that accounts for 80% of them, although i am being persuaded that the only reason they are like this is because in almost every country where iraqis are present, the iraqi females outnumber the iraqi males.

Nice, i can start a harem.

In the wise words of bugs bunny- thats all folks.

modesty police

suprisingly i'm still in baghdad. we met up with our family friends, and my friend who i have known for like forever is a different guy.
at first i couldn't get used to house hopping-that is jumping from one house to a next as family, friends and general people we knew invited us into their house
the hours are spent going to my friends house and playing xbox, you'd be suprised that despite the electricity shortages and the annoying start/stop of the generators, people still manage to find ways to spend 3 hours on an xbox.baghdad is apparently the more liberal part of iraq, but yesterday we were walking and a bunch of police proved this wrong.when i say we, me my best friend and his younger sis (touta) were out walking to get her some books or shoes or something.
this prick stops us and asks us where we are going, so my friend answers, then just before we are let through, five more of these pricks block our path, look us all up and down, and ask what relation we are to touta. i mean what the fuck, seriously. My friend (her bro) looks on in shock, i don't know how to reply.
in the end, touta spends half an hour talking to them about her human rights to walk with anyone she wants, and the pricks choking on laughter let us through. when her bro translated what she said, i couldn't help laughing too, but thats for her to tell unless i get some good offers to dish the dirt ;)
at night here everything is open, which is very convenient if you realise you've forgotten something you need at 2am. the best places are things like cafes but not quite cafes which stay open with loud music and occasional guy bursting into dance.

weird

right, i remember nothing about iraq, have been raised abroad and only know how to speak a little arabic. I thought it would all end in disaster, but really turns out money speaks for you. i feel a bit outdated here, as everyone has the newest technology, and society is not normal here.

i can't look at any girl in the eye. otherwise she gives me a disgusted you pervert look, i have to hang around either depressed 20 somethings or men who argue over something or the other, which i really couldn't care less about. thats without mentioning relatives who insist on intruding into every aspect of life.
these three weeks are going to be fun.

apparently i shouldn't wear hoodies any more. really it was getting to hot for that. as well, i am thinking of taking up smoking just to fit into the general crowd. baghdad shops keep up till 1am, and some posher cafes have dancers and keep up till later. i don't think my dad's gonna take me though, so i suppose i'm going to have to form a close friendship with male relatives.

Touchdown

Have arrived in Baghdad. not really sure what to do now. Old ladies pinch me, and men hit me hard on the back sending me spiralling forward.

It stinks. everywhere. at least everything is a lot cheaper though. cant wait to see baghdad night life.