Summer of Discontent

the black waves just keep on crashing. my little nephew died. the blackness of death never really lifts, especially when its one so unfair. babies die all the time, as do children, as do adults. and there's fuck all we can do about it.

the horrible painful thing about family, is sometimes all you can be is an onlooker. a towel for the tears to fall on, and thats what i've been doing for the past month, and now i'm just too tired. where do my tears go? why don't i have any tears?
where's my towel?
i've been taking numerous collapsing family members to the hospital, and now all the fainting seems a little bit silly, but i'd like to black out just for once, and sleep knowing i'll wake up blissful. its not happening soon is it?


i was supposed to visit syria as well, but my visa got rejected for some reason. basically nothing went right, one blow followed another, and now i'm walking around not knowing my head from my toes. iraq should be more united, but theres nothing new to tell you, its as divided as ever, and the long time its taking for people to realise unity and equality, is annoying me slightly.


i feel in need of a smile, yet everywhere i turn, its plastered on, strained at best. i'm beginning university soon, but it wont be in iraq or the uk. i chose jordan. i'm not sure why, but its close to my family and still has a western feel to it. i'll be doing law and i think it starts in october. i should really check..

update

i dont like the clubs here. at all there not even fun, but more reduce you to cringing, though all the other guys seem to enjoy it. i suppose i've been raised to different values.

i seem to have a lack of life these days, i spend the whole day in probably 2 different rooms- the bedroon and the bathroom.
as you can see, i'm not having lots of fun. even though there's cinemas and fairgrounds here, its lacking something. its all modern on the good side-by that i mean the places are clean, and there's no queues everywhere.

its been very family orientated this visit, mainly solving and creating problems. don't you just love iraqi families. they're so large, you lose yourself. everyday brings a new problem, or new happiness in a occasion. i never realised the value of this. it annoyed me at first, but now i just regret my childhood was spent as my days are now. its a strong support structure i suppose.

its colder here than baghdad. less sand, and more things to do, yet some how i do less here than i did there.

and i seem to be hooked on cigarettes. its worrying slightly, but i actually almost enjoy smoking now. i'm not addicted yet, i suppose you can call me a social smoker ;)
and why are the soldiers (peshmerga?) always angry looking?

the mob.

Moving North for a while, to sort out family stuff, reunite with direct family, etc etc.
Quality of life is generally better northern as well, but the main reason is to sort out family stuff (rich arab guy proposed to my sister, she said yes, dad said no arab full stop).

so that needs sorting, and my nephew needs to see his father, who is leaving to work abroad for a while.

i feel so depressed, mainly cos family=arguments, and frankly i just wanna have fun rather than wonder aimlessly.

neways, expect many more posts when i reach erbil or wherever.

Bitch Fit

I'm so goddamn bored.

I've been to some good restaurants here and there, one of which was called krispys or something.
I talk arabic to everyone now, because i am tired of mentally correcting everyones english when they talk to me, and what else.....?

The heat is going to get unbearable, and i'm trying to prepare myself for that so-hot-you-feel-you-just-pissed-yourself heat.

Oh, theres a lack of subtelty in iraqis that is endearing and hilarious. the other day a guy was trying to find information about someone or something, and instead of a general conversation leading to the topic, the poor guy just blurted everything out, while i nodded my head slowly pretending i was concerned (i was a bit, i just tend to switch off after a few minutes and revert to making crude jokes, or insulting people).

I'm kind of getting a bit creeped out by the large amount of chat requests i get on my messenger account. I realised a bit too late that here chat replaces normal conversations. Girls would spill their hearts and troubles over chat, but not open their mouths in real life. Guys would go prowling for girlfriends, and be suave, whereas spit at passersby in real life.
I kind of understand why the older generation keep moaning about a decrease in social etiquette now.

Oh, and my sister is embarrassing me to new heights, (the younger one), she acts as the perfect daughter in front of guests then spills poison and complains to me. Once annoyed because she was interrupting my movie watching, i shouted at her to stop being so perfect, and now the whole family thinks i'm trying to get her rebellious. Ouch.

And my nephew (yeah i'm an uncle), said his first words a few days ago. I have to say it here, because no one could stop laughing, (although a few got annoyed) that his first words was T's name.

hahaha, we've realised that its probably because he's heard her name screamed so many times. ;)

haaat.

females and their nagging eh. it never stops.
therefore here i am blogging.
kurdistan has amazing nature. i mean really amazing.
but the atmosphere is so awkwardly bad, i didnt really enjoy any other aspect than the nature. the tension is laughable considering we are all iraqis, as is the border control.kurds, iraqis with foreign passports, rich arabs and politicians get through, and people who need a safe place are basically rejected.

theres cinemas, fancy restaurants, cool clothes shops, but unlike baghdad, it does lacks that unique atmosphere- and i'm half kurdish and saying this. it doesnt have that majestic age thing going, that baghdad does.

now back to baghdad, and my stay in iraq in general.
Fuck its annoying. the novelty has mentally worn out. i wake up with sand in my mouth, and even if i cover myself with a sheet, i still end up being covered in a sticky substance- a mixture of sand thats stuck to my sweat. try washing it off- almost impossible- it only happens again every night. i see why the guys here wear so much afetrshave now.

no lecture about history or beauty is going to make me want to change my mind. by all accounts, it is right here is home- its something different to have your family, and the ones you love close. and the calligraphic buildings , but the situation is just too much to bear.
for a while, you laugh at it-the bombs, the harrassment by police, the gunfire, the lack of water, but after a while, you wake up- touta is abroad doing exams now, and as she called her bro the other day, she confessed that she had not woken up in iraq.
you kind of start to form and invisbile blanket shutting out the world, and some manage to find their way out of the blanket quicker than others i suppose.

my sleeping patterns really couldnt get anymore messed up. i have no idea what happend, but now sleeping at 4am couldnt be any more normal. the quietest time of day is at 12-1pm. nothing is alive, and i randomly walk outside in the silence.
and i've become a social smoker.
oh, the other day was graduation ceremonies in the universities. it was so damned interesting, that i considered going to university here, just to take part in the graduation ceremony-they dress up in themes in groups, and the guys jump around to some beating music.

2am insomnia

I sang 'Lonely' by akon in front of a group of strangers.
Ah this is the life.
Aunties visited, and i think i scared quite a lot of them, but never mind.
Off to passively smoke in the living room before collapsing on a bed from the combined effects of heat and excessive food.

I actually feel in place here, it has a very different atmosphere,one which at first i thought i would never fit into, or like, but i was wrong.
iraq is incredibly cultural, and to my modern types, i spent the entire flight dreading what i would have to do. Nothing, i just have fun, and drown in the age and beauty of it all.
And noow i sound like a girl, well tough, i do mean it, and i'm actually having f-u-n.

you know when you just cant stop thinking bout something, and it feels like your head can't concentrate on anything else. its annoying to say the least, and no amount of shouting 'aahs' in the garden takes your mind off it, but only achieves making your relatives even more concerned for your mental health.

it is a topic which i thought i would never address, but i swear the environment in iraq causes stuff like this to happen.

too late to do anything about it though anyway.

:(

dark

i feel like vomiting with rage and anger.
This is what iraq does to you. i love every damn second, but at the same time you see so many things that eventually will drive you out of your head with annoyance. todays topic being the indecisiveness of us as a population/generation. or should i say my indecisiveness, instead of 'us'.

For the past few days i could have not got any more bored, but life suddenly smashed back from its journey and brought shouting laughter and late nights. now i'm just too damn tired.

my eyes feel like lead from excess tv or pc games or playstation, and now i am actually looking forward to talking and chatting with family and friends, whereas before my main aim was fun. all i can tell you is i've been around here and there, and i didnt find it nice. family and friends are more fun, and most important, because they make 'hell into heaven'. although at the same time their constant comments drive me up the wall, embarrass me and reduce me to tears, but we all face the same thing?

there's clubs, and someone kindly described them for me, although at first i was sure it was a lie,since said person had neevr left the comfort of their home-said person played it safe. there's the family cafe, where families laugh and have fun. there's the depressed guys club, where they all scowl and argue with each other, there's the dancing clubs where guys drool over girls who clearly had no choice, there's the smoke cafe, where they are all high on hookah, and theres the normal cafe full of guys eating swapping jokes and spilling their guts over girls.

i was lucky enough to see every type at least twice, and i have to admit, i have more of a life here in a week than i did over there in a year, but i suspect its maybe to do with the climate.

i feel dizzy, and nauseous, and the problem lies in the fact that i know exactly the cause.
when did life become so shittingly problematic? i want back to the childhood where it was simpler, brighter and generally i did not think or ponder.

here's to confusion, nostalgia and crazy.